Waiting On Why


I was so thankful that I was able to get into my psychologist this afternoon. Mentally I’m starting to suffer which all that has been going on in my life right now and talking to her always helps, she’s who helped me through my bad dark storm years ago. I thought I was going to have to wait 2 weeks to see her and luckily someone canceled. Now I am going to be going back once a week for the next month and a half until I work through things. I’ve got to stay strong despite how upset all this is making me. And losing my cat this week just added to the whole mess. I think once we have an answer to WHY I have developed the condition I have I will feel much better.

Here’s what we know right now about my condition. I DO know what’s wrong with my kidneys, I have something called interstitial nephritis. The problem right now is trying to figure WHY I am having the condition. This condition is also the cause of my hemolytic anemia. When my creatinine (which measures kidney function) is normal, my hemoglobin goes up closer to normal. So as my kidney condition improves so should my hemolytic anemia. But right now we have no idea why I have developed the condition. The majority of IN cases (at least 70 %) may be attributed to bad reactions to drugs but so far we haven’t figured out what I am allergic to. We thought we had figured it out back in the hospital(that I was allergic to my migraine medication of Topamax) but the condition returned and we determined it wasn’t that. I’ve been pulled off everything I take including all my WLS supplements until we can figure out the cause. Other possible causes of interstitial nephritis are also autoimmune disorders and certain infections. I had 30-40+ blood tests last week checking for various autoimmune diseases that could be causing the condition. They aren’t even all back from the lab yet I had so many done! I have a doctor’s appointment Wednesday morning with my kidney doctor and wonder if we will be any closer to why.

I feel like each day that passes that I am closer to mentally losing it. I need to work on relaxing and doing calming activities but it’s been hard because I am someone who over thinks everything. I am typically of those “worst case scenario” people. I am trying not to go there but I find myself heading that way more and more lately. I really can not go back into that dark storm, I fought so hard to get out of that storm before. But at the same time I am getting tired of running from the clouds that I feel are following me right now. I wish I had some sort of machine that could just suck all those clouds up and then after I had them all I would blow up the machine to ensure those clouds were long gone and couldn’t come back. But if I do go through the storm, I know that I will come through stronger than ever before.


“That which does not kill me, makes me stronger.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche

4 thoughts on “Waiting On Why

  1. Jessica,
    I’m so sorry you’re going through such a painful and scary time. Life sure can test us. The cloud image you paint is a strong one. I can feel your pain, and for what it’s worth, I hurt with you.
    I know you’ll find a way to make something beautiful with your clouds, and I very much look forward to seeing what you make.
    Sending lots of love your way,


  2. Hang in there! I know it does feel some what better because they figure out what you have. Waiting on any medical results can turn your life upset down. Thinking about you and hope everything gets better.


  3. I can empathize with you completely. I have been out of work sick since the end of September. I have been in pain since June/July. I stopped driving in November and spend a few days at Thanksgiving in the hospital because I could barely sit up in a chair, hold my utensils, or walk. I went to the Mayo Clinic in MN in January to get some answers and a few answers is exactly what I got.

    I already knew I had MS but that’s not been what has been causing all the problems. I seem to have a number of other autoimmune issues with no cures and limited treatments. I also have cirrhosis of the liver (not from drinking) so that means I am trying to get everything under control with my medications and looking for natural ways of dealing with daily pain, fatigue, and discomfort.

    I walk with a cane for any distance of great lengths and will return to my classroom in April with a walker so I can get the kiddos where they need to go. I have come a long way from where I was and I hope to make more progress, bit by bit.

    I am glad you have a new goal because it’s good to have something to focus on outside of yourself. You can do this. We can do this. Hang in there, friend.


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s